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(I wrote this chapter to include in Thicker Than Water, but the book ran long and while doing revisions, I realized this was bogging down the pace. So it got chopped, but there are no wasted words. Here it sits, for your enjoyment in perpetuity.)

“Wham! Bam! No Thank You, Ma’am”

The Fatkini Chronicles

I lucked out with a curbside spot at the end of the block, got outta the car, and pulled up my hood to the pouring spring rain. No one in Seattle carried an umbrella. You just accepted the rain, wore a decent jacket and good rain boots, and didn’t freak out if your hair got wet. That’s life in the Pacific Northwest.

Penny’s was hopping when I strolled through the door. The salon got a lot of walk-ins, which was why I always booked way ahead. All the seats were occupied by other patrons and I wended around them, trying not to take anyone out with my ginormous belly. A dude in a suit stood in front of the receptionist’s counter, yakking on his phone and ignoring Becca, the receptionist. He occupied way more space than he should’ve considering the crowded the waiting area. A woman with two teens squished themselves against the wall. She glanced at me apologetically as she tried to make herself even smaller, so I could get to the counter.

I met her gaze and shrugged, waiting for the guy to notice me and move, but he just stared at his phone. Exasperated, I finally said, “Excuse me.” He either didn’t hear or didn’t care. I tapped his shoulder. “Excuse me.”

He finally turned, looking like I’d interrupted his life. “What?”

Seriously? “I need to get past you to check in.”

He went back to his phone. “There’s space.”

Wow. “No, there’s not. Please move.”

He looked up again, his expression even bitchier and more entitled. “I got here before you. You’ll just have to wait.”

Oh, no you did not. Old Polite Zelda stepped aside and let the New About-to-Be-a-Momma Zelda shove up her sleeves and unleash the beast. “Move. Your. Entitled. Ass.” That got his attention. “I’m nine months pregnant. My back hurts. My feet hurt. I am always hungry and about as tolerant of your shit as a pissed off hippo. Step aside so I can check in with the receptionist for my appointment.”

His eyes went progressively wider and his jaw dropped as I ranted. Then he did the wise thing and moved his damned ass out of my way.

“Thank you.”

Behind him at the counter, Becca was swallowing her laughter. “Hi, Zelda,” she barely got out.

“Hi, Bec. I’m a few minutes early.”

“No problem. Frida just finished with a client.”

The salon owner, Penny, came around the corner from the backroom. “Zelda! Oh my god, I think your belly doubled in size since last month.”

I laughed and patted my baby mountain. “Feels like it. If I get any bigger, I’ll need my own zip code.”

She laughed. “Not true, woman. You make pregnancy look gorgeous.”

I started to protest, but Frida cut me off as she reached my side. “It’s a fact. You’ve got that whole preggers glowy thing going. It’s disgusting.”

I returned the hug she always gave without asking. Frida had been cutting my hair for almost as long as I’d lived in Seattle. She knew all the dirty details of my existence. Okay, not all but pretty damn close.

She glanced around, then pouted. “You didn’t bring your gorgeous hubbies? Why you do me like this, Zel? Don’t you understand how important it is that I ogle your manly men once a month?”

“Bitch, please. Don’t lie to me. I know Aithan and Drew stopped in last week and you flirted like a twenty-dollar hussy on Aurora.”

She laughed. “Forty, damn it. Do not undervalue me!”

Frida took my purse and coat to her station by the front window then washed my hair and got me seated. While she worked her magic on my locks, I told her about the baby shower — leaving out the Paypig stuff because privacy — and about attending birth class with the guys.

James, one of the other hairdressers, paused in sweeping hair from around his station. “Wait, Drew and Aithan went with you?” He usually cut Aithan’s hair.

“Yup. It’s always a hoot to see the looks on people’s faces when I show up with two husbands. They can’t wrap their minds around the idea.”

“All done, gorgeous.” Frida unsnapped the black cape and pulled it off my lap then handed me a mirror. “Lemme turn you around so you can see the back.”

Just as she rotated the chair, something flashed past the window followed by a squeal of tires, a crash, and a bigger crash.

“Holy shit,” all three of us said.

James opened the door and stepped out to the sidewalk. Frida, Penny, and I followed. I looked down the block and my heart sank. Someone driving a big honkin’ black Escalade had T-boned the Mini.

The driver climbed out of the truck and other people were going to his aid, though he seemed okay as he pointed up the block. “Anyone get that douchebag’s license plate?”

I stared at my car. The SUV had shoved it up over the curb. The passenger’s side wheels were pancaked under the car and the driver’s side was getting intimate with the front of his truck.

“Wow,” James said. “Looks like no one was hurt, but whoever owns that Mini is gonna be pissed.”

I shook my head. “No. She’s sad. She loves that car.”

He looked at me then around, obviously confused. “You know the owner?”

“Yeah. That’s my car.”

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry, Zel.” Frida hugged me.

I sighed and started walking over to the disaster. “Me, too. But at least no one was injured.” Glancing at my phone, I figured Aithan was training a client, so I speed dialed Drew and put the phone to my ear.

“What’s up, babe? Do your gorgeous locks look extra gorgeous?”

“Yes, they do. But I need you to pick me up at Penny’s.”

“Why? Problem with the Mini?”

“Yeah. It just got totaled.”

All humor left his voice. “Fuck-are-you-okay?”

“I’m fine. I wasn’t in the car when it happened. There’s no need to ….”

“On my way.” He hung up.

“… rush.” I pressed my lips together and shook my head as I pocketed my phone.

Penny came up beside me. “He’s freaking out?”

“No, but he’ll interrupt Aithan’s session and both will come running. Neither will be chill until they’ve seen I’m okay with their own eyes.”

“Can you blame them?”

“I suppose not.”

The air reeked of gasoline and burned rubber. The wail of sirens cut through everything and grew louder. Lights flashed in the distance.

James toed a piece of blue debris — a part of my car. “Shee-ute. Glad there weren’t any pedestrians on the sidewalk.”

“I should exchange insurance information with that guy.” I pulled my wallet from my purse.

Penny hooked her arm through mine. “You should come back and sit in the salon. “James, be a dear and let that guy know Zelda is the Mini’s owner and she’ll be in the salon when the police are ready to talk with her.”

He nodded and headed toward the accident while Penny and Frida steered me back to the salon. Patrons milled around on the sidewalk, slowly moving inside as the police and firefighters arrived.

James joined us a few minutes later. Around us, the salon got back to business. “Hit and run. A Charger ran the red and the dude in the Escalade swerved to miss him, swerved again to avoid a motorcyclist, and took out your car. Pretty sure the motorcyclist crapped his pants. Guy came within inches of being your Mini, Zelda.”

Penny said, “Whoa.”

“Yikes.” I sat in a chair behind the reception counter. Frida had dragged it out from the backroom. “I hope they find the Charger’s driver.”

A police officer came into the salon. “I understand the owner of the Mini is here?”

I raised my hand. “Yup.”

He came around the counter, took one look at me, and said, “Let’s get a medic to check you out, Miss.”

“I’m fine, officer. I wasn’t in the car when it was hit.”

He smiled and spoke into the radio attached to his shoulder then crouched before me. “It’ll make me feel better knowing we made sure. My wife just had a baby.”

“Ah. Well, congratulations.”

He grinned. “Thanks. Now, do you have your license and insurance handy?”

I’d already pulled them from my wallet. “Sure do.” I handed them over. “Registration’s not so easy to get to.”

He nodded. “No doubt. Did you witness the accident?”

“Not really. I was inside the salon when it occurred. All I saw was something flash past the window.”

He jotted notes. “Do you recall hearing anything?”

“Tires screeching, then two impacts.”

A medic entered the salon. The place was getting absurdly crowded.

“Maybe we should go outside?” I offered.

The officer moved aside to let the paramedic reach me.

“It’s pouring out there,” the medic replied. She asked me a bunch of questions while she checked my blood pressure and heart rate. “Everything seems fine, but if you notice any unusual changes or discomfort, go to an emergency room, okay?”

“Will do.”

The salon door opened and Drew strode in, breathing a little hard. “Zelda?”

I raised my hand. “Here.”

The paramedic and the cop moved aside so Drew could slip behind the counter. “Brick, holy fuck, are you okay?” He swept me into his arms, turned, and sat on the chair with me in his lap. Such a typical Drew move.

“I’m fine. I told you that already.” I looked past him. “Where’s Aithan and why are you winded?”

“He’s parking. I abandoned him six blocks back and ran the rest of the way. Traffic’s a mess on Phinney and the side streets. You’re sure you’re okay? Why’s there a medic here?”

I shook my head. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I did.”

I kissed him. “This kind officer wanted to be sure I was okay.”

“Just precautionary,” the cop explained.

The paramedic added, “She checked out fine.” She packed up her equipment and left the salon.

“Thank fucking god.” Drew stood and deposited me back on the chair. “You stay here. I’ll deal with the car.”

“But—”

The don’t-even-think-about-it look he gave me made me laugh. “Okay, Playboy, you deal with the car.” I handed him my wallet.

As Drew spoke with the police officer, Aithan strode into the salon. “Zelda?”

I waved from my seat. “I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

I nodded. “Perfectly fine. A medic checked my blood pressure and heart rate just to be safe. All normal.” I waved toward the mess out on the street. “I’m not the one you should be asking about.”

The guys turned in unison to look out the window then back to me.

“Was the driver injured?” Aithan asked.

I shook my head. “One driver, apparently okay.”

Drew and the police officer went outside while Aithan did the same thing Drew had, sat with me in his lap. His hands roamed over me as he held me close. I swear he’d’ve snapped anyone in half if they so much as looked at me funny. Aithan always seemed so even-tempered, except if Greer was around. I forgot how protective he could be.

“Have you felt the baby move since this happened?”

I blinked. “I haven’t been paying attention.”

He put his hand on my belly, his expression intense. “If you don’t feel her by the time we’re ready to leave, we’ll go to the E.R.”

“Aith, the medic said I’m fine.”

“Do I look like I care what the medic said? You’re nine months pregnant, Zelda Claudette. I’m not taking any chances.”

Penny paused in snipping her client’s hair and glanced at us. “I would not get between that grizzly and his cub.”

I laughed. “Right?”

Aithan just grunted, emphasizing what she’d said and making me giggle.

“I’m serious, beautiful.”

I petted his jaw. “I know you are.”

Fortunately, Mini Me chose that moment to kick me in the diaphragm.

“Ow.” I rubbed high on my belly and she shifted.

“What?” Aithan’s expression grew more intense.

I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my stomach, right where she was now head-butting me. “Your daughter’s kicking off my diaphragm and rebounding off my bladder.”

Aithan’s face softened as she moved beneath his fingers. “I can’t say that makes me unhappy.”

I rolled my gaze to his face. “You’ll be unhappy if I pee on you.”

He laughed. “Fair enough.”

Drew returned to the salon looking somber as he joined us. “The Mini’s totaled, babe.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know.” Aithan tightened his arms around me. “I guess you guys get to buy me that bigger car you always wanted.”

Drew crouched before us. “How about a midnight blue BMW sedan with a tan interior?”

Aithan arched his brows at me. “Whaddya think?”

“Sounds pretty swanky.”

“Only the best for our girls.” Drew pulled me onto my feet and into his arms. He pressed his lips to my ear. “I don’t care about the car. I’m just glad you guys are okay.”

I leaned into him. “I know.”